someone get that fucking seahorse.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
