Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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