I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
