God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
