shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
