can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
