Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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