I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
