So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
