I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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