I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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