You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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