Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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