You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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