So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
