i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
