No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Oh god it's open bar.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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