3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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