I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i am craving dick and cupcakes
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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