I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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