why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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