Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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