as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
