I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
