if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Houston, we have a blender
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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