I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
