If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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