My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
