u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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