please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize