Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
