Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
