she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Bring me that man meat
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
