Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
