Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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