I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
