i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
