I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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