last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
