Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I need to align my fucking chakras
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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