I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
