he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I have aggressive nipples.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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