sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
