I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
