You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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