my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
