Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
And then he peed in my hair
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