He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
