some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
