Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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