Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
