John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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