the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
