maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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