Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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