Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
