Your dad touched me again.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
