Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
