Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
