Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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