i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize