It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
