News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
