the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
