I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize