I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
