ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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