Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
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