She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
