I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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