Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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