chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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